Kangaroo Song

They don’t say kangaroo,
I realized that now,
it’s a mantra,
jai guru dava
but back then it sounded just like kangaroo dava.

Back when I was sitting cross-legged on the floor of my dorm.
Back when I took enough pills to keep my eyes open all night
because when they closed I couldn’t stop thinking of his slender back,
the smell of his dorm, the corner of his desk so terribly close to my eye,
like a threat.
The sound of him locking the door.

But here on the floor,
I was untouchable,
the small cd player right next to me
the door bolted
and re-bolted
my roommate away for the weekend,
my veins jittering
hitting repeat
for the 17th time
for the 18th time,

just to hear
that “nothing’s gonna change my world.”
Played over and over again,
my own mantra,
until it started to feel true
and I dug a big hole
and dumped my fear down it.

And nothing was fixed,
I still jump at shadows
and I still worry about the door,
I still get scared in the dark
14 years later,
but I’m still here aren’t I?
That part, if nothing else, didn’t change.